Wednesday, June 02, 2004

ELECTION: "Simple Choice," Find Your Candidate Test

Today I read a brilliant article, the national column by Mike Harden called "2004: Simple Choice, really." I've tried to find a link to the article but failed. Basically, Mr. Harden breaks down voting decisions to a majority answer of 12 questions. Simplification for an age of too much propaganda and inflametory commentary, not to mention the politically ignorant. Anyway, as a liberal republican, I decided to take the test. Being an ABB person, I was slightly suprised by some of my choices. My answers are in bold. Fellow Bloggers... take the test yourself and let your results in the comment window.

Here are Mr. Harden's 12 questions to determain your vote in 2004:

1. The golf couse is packed when you arrive to play a round. The starter offers you a chance to join one of the two foursomes. Would you choose Bush or Kerry?
Kerry. He gives me the sense he plays to win. In that case, my game would improve being pitted against a competitor.

2. Your job requires you to leave town on business for two weeks. Which candidate would you trust to watch your dog?
Bush. While not necesarily enviromentally friendly, I see him as an animal guy. I picture Bush being entertained by the puppy and not ditching the dog for more "important" matters.

3. You and your police partner are poised on the porch of a crack house, guns drawn, and about to enter. You yell "cover me". Would would you rather have by your side?
Kerry. No question, do you want the Texas ranger who's Vietnam experience involved campaign work in Alabama... or a man who came home with his life and was responsible for saving others?

4. Your sister is about to start dating again after a bad marriage and an ugly divorce. Whom would you want showing up at the door with a bouquet?
Bush. While not exactly charming, he seems weak willed when it comes to women and he comes from an oil family. He's rich and has no backbone... the perfect lap dog for a scorned woman.

5. Fate has decreed that tomorrow you will be flattened by a runaway beer truck. You must choose Kerry or Bush to finish the business of parenting your children. Which one?
Kerry. Although I would kind of fear him being an apsentee dad, I know he'd raise the children to be an intellectual with a broad view and not force different religious beliefs upon them.

6. Assume that George W. Bush and John F. Kerry are administrators of a pair of private nursing homes. Not only beholden to ther patients, they are obligated to their investors too. Compelled to place your mother in one of the homes, who would you choose to balance profits against patient care?
Bush. This is the hardest question to choose from the two. Definately a choice of two evils. I think Kerry would be much more money conscious and have the ability to run a nursing home efficiently. Efficiently being the problem. He'll have the balls to make the hard decisions. Bush on the other hand will destroy the budget and get vastly confused by the numbers, but I think he would do what he thought was best for the people and lie to the stockholders about it.

7. You are going for the big prize on "Who wants to be a Millionaire." Will it be Bush or Kerry you want for your life line?
Kerry. Is the question, did Sadam possess weapons of distruction? Kidding asside, Bush gets injured by pretzels, and was a C student. He's not the trivia wiz I want getting my back. Look how hard of a time he has simply dealing with our intelligence agencies.

8. A friend has offerd you a week free at a beach front rental as long as you don't mind sharing the place with one of the two candidates... which one?
Bush. If i'm going to spend the weekend with someone, of course I going to choose the rich playboy with the cocaine and alcohol issues. I'm sure he throws a hell of a party, especially without Laura around.

9. Lost in the wood in a January blizzard, you have only one hope for deliverance: Bush or Kerry.
Kerry. Again, Bush gets injured by pretzels. Not trusting his survival skills.

10. Imagine yourself the first lady, about to descend from the White House living quarters to an important state dinner in the east room. Catching sight of yourself in the mirror, you feel dirven to ask, "does this dress make me look fat?" Who's answer do you trust the most?
Bush. Kerry would tell me what I wanted to hear to keep me happy through dinner and insure some hot sex later that night. Bush doesn't think before he speaks. Therefor, I trust that he will reply with the first thing that pops into his head.

11. From you deathbed, you bid your kin to summon a priest that you might make your last confession. Will it be Father Bush or Father Kerry?
Kerry. I'm not Catholic, so this question doesn't weigh as heavy. But, I'd probably have alot to confess and Bush doesn't seem to have much of an attention span.

12. You and your spouse have tried without success to have a child. Advised that a sperm bank might hold the only promise of concetption, you must select between donors... Bush or Kerry?
Kerry. Okay, so my child will either have a long face or be stupid? I choose intellect over vanity. Also, addiction, not like arrogance, seems to be a genetic trait... one I'd like to by pass.

So, that's 7 for Kerry and 5 for W. Now, I remember high school. I'm 24... so it wasn't that long ago. Anyway, Mr. Kerry, like in high school a 7/12 is a Failing grade... Once again, Damned if we do, Damned if we don't.

What do you think?


At 5:15 PM, Blogger mr gilbert said...

I find it hard to even vote for Bush in this poll.

1. Kerry. I couldn't deal w/smirky Bush & all his, "Now watch this drive" crap. I'm a crappy golfer, & I don't want to play w/a jackass who's going to rub it in.

2. Kerry. I only vote democrat here because last month Jon Stewart suggested that Bush, Cheney & Rumsfeld might strangle puppies when they get together. Now that may not be true, but I'm not taking chances w/my dog, missy.

3. Kerry. The man is a war hero & a life saver. I'm not putting any faith in the Nat'l Guard walkout who drives drunk. I doubt he could shoot straight.

4. Kerry. This is a tough one, but I pull for my man John again because I don't want Dubya foisting his evangelical BS on my sister when she's so vulnerable. Also, he would be intolerable at family dinners.

5. Kerry. Bush wouldn't attend his daughters' graduations. I suppose you don't want to the crowds to boo daddy.

6. Kerry. Bush has driven every business he has ever run into the ground, only to be bailed out by his father's cronies. I worry that if things go south, Bush might let his dad's CIA buddies "disappear" the costlier seniors.

7. Kerry. Likewise, I'll stick with someone who isn't proud to have been a C student.

8. Bush. I bet he does know how to throw a kegger. Just don't let him deejay. No Toby Keith @ my party, muthafu**a.

9. Kerry. If there's ever a life that needs saving, I'm calling John Kerry.

10. Kerry. Sure, Bush may spit out the first thing that pops into his head, but I don't want to hear that! Tell me I look pretty & don't be an idiot.

11. Bush. I don't need a priest or whatever, but I can't stand Bush. So I'd want Bush, so I could slug him. Or maybe piss on him. He can't deny me - I'm friggin' dying over here!

12. Kerry. Bush is an addict, he's not too bright, and he looks like a monkey. I'll got with the other dude.

10/12 for Kerry, but I already knew who I was voting for.


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